Funeral time

Psalm 51

As I said last time, I have been at a family funeral. One of my aunts died suddenly. Our family pretty well spread all over the country, so this has been a de facto family reunion as well as a time for remembrance.

The Bible is such that there’s something you can relate almost no matter where you open it up. On Friday, flying to the funeral I read the morning Psalm and thought about what my family is going through.

Psalm 51 starts by piling up pleas for mercy, cleansing, and wisdom: “Have mercy on me…Blot out my transgressions…Purge me with hyssop.”

Here’s how it gets at wisdom in verse 6: “You desire truth in my inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.” There are several interesting things about this. First, it is God who wants us to achieve wisdom. Maybe we want wisdom, maybe not. But we know God wants us to develop into our full potential as humans. And as vessels for God, to carry forward God’s wisdom.

The last words are the most curious. “My secret heart.” What is the secret heart? There is some potential for these to encourage people to think in terms of some sort of esoteric knowledge. The secret heart, some mysterious zone of the personality or experience that can be accessed if you have the key. Go all Da Vinci Code with it. I’m confident that’s not the intention of the passage, but I think it is worth keeping in mind the potential the Bible’s words have to contain gateways to new levels of experience and consciousness. Protestants are so literal.

My main thought about the secret heart is that it describes the irreducible singularity of human consciousness, that try as we might our spirit resides inside ourselves not entirely accessible to other people, and not even entirely accessible to ourselves. One purpose of therapy is to understand the contents and character of that secret zone. But if we believe in God, we know God is in there with us, and doing certain kinds of work right there at the foundation of our spirit, personality, consciousness, and self.

What should we do in exchange for God’s cleansing and wisdom? “I will teach transgressors your ways.” People are the vehicle through which God chooses to spread wisdom. I’m reading a book by Miroslav Volf called Free of Charge. He is discussing the nature of giving, that gifts from God flow through us, that He chooses us as the vehicle. One of the reasons God chooses to act through us rather than directly is that in serving as the conduit, we are changed for the good. Something rubs off on us in the process. We benefit from what wisdom God can give, and we grow further in passing on what we have learned, as well as we understand it and can communicate it.

The Psalmist goes on to say God takes no delight in traditional sacrifices. What delights Him follows from the recognitions we are required to reach if we are going to ask forgiveness. When you know your transgressions, and your sin is ever before you, you reach a sort of Dark Night of the Soul described in verse 17:

“The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Of course in context this is all about the struggle with one’s inner demons. But I couldn’t help look at my uncle and cousins, who have lost wife, mother, grandmother, and not be aware of their acute loss. I am very saddened and will miss my aunt, but the loss will be so much more all-encompassing for them. My aunt and uncle have been married for 56 years. How could that not break the heart and spirit?

I’m making a leap to apply this line to my family. But I think the pain all of us, and especially my uncle and cousins, feel is a sacrifice in the eyes of the Lord. But of what sort? There is the sacrifice of letting go of her, where you have no choice but to trust in God and in God’s promises. In bereavement, we may be at our most open to God’s mercy and comfort. God just wants us to come ready to admit what he can do, what we can’t do.

I’m not saying a death in the family is a blessing, or something to look forward to. But it is something that will happen. That much we know. It will happen. In God’s time. I don’t think God wants people to give themselves a broken and contrite heart, some sort of self-flagellation. The things in life that bring us down come regularly enough. This passage is about how to recognize that these times fit into our relationship with God. They feel like important events, when they happen, in every way. They are.